Night before my exam I have no urgency to study nor happy to force myself into studying since I am getting really tired of forcing myself into liking things that I am not fond of. I asked myself, “How much more if I live with this forever? or get stuck with this forever?” Life is hard, most especially when you want something to prove that Nursing isn’t the only choice for financial wellness.
This is most probably because of my moody personality. I am not good in making conclusions, most especially immediate conclusions. Last vacation I had, I told my mother that I have found Nursing to be an interesting course and I will finish it. This despite of my experiences of being a maid in the school for two years now. I reached 3rd year level and I got exposed with the real deal. I changed the patient’s beddings dozens of times, measured urine, lifted a patient without knowing he pooped on his clothes, monitored vital signs every hour, administered oral and injectable medications, adjusted the flow rate of the IV, monitored O2 Saturation so on and so forth. It’s painful being not able to feed yourself properly, sleep properly, and enjoy working. I was feeling sick these past few weeks; nauseated, dizzy, disoriented, forgetful and… miserable. It’s sad to meet patients in the hospital always frowning, aching, and probably soon-to-be dying just like what happened last week. And with Pharmacology, my life is turning blue.
It was my parent’s idea that I should take nursing. Still, I can’t help thinking I am now a graduating student if I had just stood up for my own interest and be happy at the same time. I blamed them several times in the past but I was able to forgive. It’s hard to simply say I can’t take it anymore since my mother had paid more than a hundred-thousand of pesos for college. I fear to fail her and also fear my future.
The title of this post is in Russian. It says “Will I ever find happiness?”
